it's weird to go back and read my old posts.

i was so naive. and i lied a lot. not just to this blog, and everyone who read it, but to myself. because all the things i didn't put in here were what were really going on in my life. this blog only contains what was happening on the surface.

at one point i mentioned my mom's cancer in passing like it was nothing. ha! i know i knew better.

and now that i know more about post traumatic stress disorder... i know for sure i suffered from it for like 4 years.

go me!

priorities

i wish i felt like more of a priority to you. you make time for your music and for other people's music. you complain we never spend enough time together, but when it all boils down to it, you never really make the time. maybe i'm just tired and stressed out. displacing my anger in some way. but the reason i'm tired most of the time is because of the time i spend with you. last night i should've gone to bed at 10, not take a nap in order to go out drinking with you and our friends. thursday night I should've gone home at 11, but instead i stayed out longer just to be with you. i suppose it's my own fault, for putting so little before you, not even my own health. and perhaps i'm mad at myself for doing so much for you and feeling like i receive so little in return. like i said, i'm not really mad at you.

black coffee

i hate the bitter taste that old relationships leave in your mouth. i want to remember the good times, when all we did was laugh and spend countless hours doing nothing but just enjoying each other's company, knowing that no one could ever mean this much ever again. but i swallow hard knowing that you no longer feel that way about me, nor i about you, and now all i have is this lump in my stomach. because now there's new people who make us happy, new memories to replace the old ones. why can't i look back on us fondly and find one thing that made sense? because then nothing else but us made sense. perhaps the only reason why i ever think about us is because this taste never goes away, not completely.

the hardest part...

about growing up is knowing that nothing will ever be how it once was.
relationships will change, better or worse, in a big way or a little way. our parents turn from mentor to peer. we no longer see them as role models because we're older now and we know who we are, what we want to be. they can't tell us what to do or they'll ground us because we no longer live under the same roof. but we also can't whine and say "that's not fair" and expect them to fix the problem. there are bigger problems to deal with, and mom and dad can't fix them for us anymore. it's just not that simple.

i miss being daddy's little girl. the number one person in his life. we are constantly trying to fix our relationship and make it how it used to be. but it's just not possible, and it hink that's what's making it even harder for our relationship to grow. i want everything to be better, and he can't fix it. if i yell at him and tell him he's being an idiot, he hardly fights back. i don't think we know how to live such separate lives, or how to both be adults as well as father and daughter. i want him to be the hero who saves the day, and he wants to ground me for acting like a child. and this type of relationship just isn't fair.

drunken debauchery

oh how i missed it...

so being that it's the end of the summer, i took a little vaca from work and went to NJ for 5 days. part of my plan was to spend time with my dad and brother while they were in NJ for Sean's Social Security Hearing. but i managed to get in a couple days with the girls and about a day with the family.

little has changed since i left new jersey a year ago. the dub is still full of familiar faces and for the most part they all remember me as well. nobody sleeps til 4am and everyone wakes up at noon if they're feeling motivated. i didn't sleep in the same bed/floor/couch two days in a row, it was great. i lived outta my car and pretty much just went with the flow of everyone else's plans. i saw all the necessary people- kitty, lesley, kendra, carin, even danielle was visiting, got to talk to mikie a bunch. everyone else i saw was an extra bonus. unfortunately it's never enough time. lesley and i discussed the idea of me just staying in jersey next summer and working at bbuster in shrewsbury. as long as i'm not paying rent in both places, i should be fine! but we'll see, that's a whole 'nother year away.

so when i came back to DC i figured i'd have a quiet weekend before work started. but why would i wanna do that? i came back friday night bummed about leaving jersey, a little sad about the way things were left off, and definitely not excited about school starting so soon. so saturday morning i woke up bright and early for work not feeling my best, but after working 8 hours i decided i didn't feel like staying at home all night. so i called katy and she and andrew were at a bbq their friends were hosting. it was a typical saturday night- drinking moet and hot tubbing. i think by 12:30 i was embarassingly sloppy so katy suggested we leave. i don't remember much of the ride home, but apparently andrew tried picking me up and dropped me hard on the concrete. my arms are still sore.

i guess i'm partially in denial that tomorrow i go back to being a responsible adult during the week, and trying my hardest to party hard on the weekends. this summer went by too quickly, and i spent too much of it inside and by myself. i guess the simple explanation is that no matter how hard i try, summer will never be my favorite season. it's been filled with times of adjustment and way too much empty time to sit around and think and stress about stuff that i can't change. i can't remember a summer within the past 5 or 6 years where i wasn't undergoing some sort of extreme change in my life. and all i keep hearing is that i have to get used to it.

damn this whole growing up thing. i'm having way too much fun being young.

google

the first thing that comes up when i google my name is my mom's obituary.

why i love my job

today was "community day."
maybe i should explain a little... the program i work for is called "school community based" (for short SCB) and it is meant for kids who need help learning things we take for granted, like shopping lists, and money, what is free, and what isn't, how we act in public, and how we act in school. stuff like that. so for summer school we go into the community twice a week and go to places like the mall, chuck e. cheese, grocery stores, fun but educational places (what does one learn at chuck e. cheese you might ask? well, interaction for one thing. who am i kidding? they're kids, they like to play).
so today we went to Target and we did a scavenger hunt. the kids were given pictures of objects they needed to find and we went around with a shopping cart and got the particular objects. well, the kid i was working with doesn't really like to listen to me, or anyone else for that matter, and he finds much amusement in carts. so at first sight of a cart he was off. maybe i should also add that he is tall as he is wide, and he's not much smaller than me. so to stop him from running people over took much effort, mostly to not laugh. but in general we had a good time. he's a funny kid and has a great laugh. when we were entering Target there was a woman who was also getting a cart around the same time we were and was almost run over in the process. luckily she dealt with it well. later while we were running (and i don't mean that figuratively) around the store we saw her again and she mouthed "bless you" to me. i almost didn't see her, or even realize she was saying it to me, but i caught it and it really hit me. some people seem uncomfortalbe around kids with disabilities, almost scared, some are curious and don't know how to ask the right questions, and some know that they may not understand now or ever, but that's why there are those of us who choose to learn, and those who step out of the way and allow us to do our job. it's the people who appreciate what we do that make those that completely don't understand seem insignificant. because it's easy to scowl and step to the side, but it's another thing to have the guts to tell someone they're doing a good thing especially when they don't completely understand.